Why is it important to set Personal Boundaries Based on Values?
“A trusting relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”
Harriet Lerner
Setting personal boundaries is a critical life skill that allows us to stay true to what we value. It is linked to well-being, health and happiness.(1-7) It is when we use our energy and/or words to communicate life priorities and values, especially when they are being challenged. The goal of setting boundaries is to be able to communicate clearly what we need and want to ourselves when we are not following our own well-being, and to others when they show up in ways that are not honoring our values. Most of the time, other people don’t realize that they are not respecting our boundaries, so hence the need for clear communication and making “requests”.
Unfortunately, setting personal boundaries and making personal requests based on our values is quite challenging. It is a skill that hasn’t been purposefully taught in our school communities. In fact, it is more likely that over the decades, we have actually been discouraged to speak up and voice what we want, especially when it counteracts what our parents, teachers or mentors believe, say and do. (We don’t blame adults at all; they all are doing the best they can in systems that are stressful!)
In addition, there are many different forms of violence, bullying and disrespectful behaviors occurring more and more in our homes, neighborhoods, schools, and communities. Sometimes it feels safer to ignore things rather than speak up for what we believe. But in the end, this only makes us feel more unsafe, frustrated, or angry.
Setting personal boundaries based on values is a skill that must be modeled and practiced as soon as babies are born. Infants start out letting parents know with facial expressions, energy and emotions, what their boundaries and priorities are. “Feed me.” “Change me.” “Hold me.” “Play with me.” Parents, who had good role models or have had some good parent coaching, know that it is important for babies to express and then be heard by their caregivers. This is how they trust that their needs will be taken care of. As babies brain development grows, they are able to practice asking for what they need as they begin to talk. Caregivers learn to allow children to express, even if it is different from what the caregiver believes. The adult helps the child understand their values and priorities and at the same time, the adult must listen to what the child needs to say. This is when the adult must be connected to their own values and priorities, and what they can and cannot give in to, and learn to help the child understand these boundaries. At the same time, the adult is helping the child learn to communicate their boundaries and get the win-win. This is when the adult must “pick their battles”.
So for young people to learn to set boundaries from their values, the adults around them must learn how to do this and then give their children the time and space to set their own boundaries too. No more, “do as I say, not as I do.” or “You must do it, or you are grounded.” or “To respect me, you must do what I say.”
When children are not modeled and allowed to communicate their beliefs, values, and feelings, and set their own boundaries, they will become less confident in themselves and their decisions. They will believe that they have to:
Be people-pleasers to be liked and respected.
Do as they are told, no matter what.
Keep what they really believe and need to themselves.
How to set good boundaries with others.
Having a safe, stable, nurturing relationship growing up means that we were able to set boundaries with our caregivers. (or else it would not be a safe, stable, nurturing relationship.) Connected relationships help us build resilience and adaptiveness through challenges to have the confidence and assertiveness so we can set boundaries to stand for who we are and what we need and want. This is not being egoic or indulgent, but being true to yourself which is a necessary skill of thriving.
3 Main Ingredients
Have a connected relationship with an adult or peer who models respectful communication, lots of silent listening, making requests, and getting the “win-win”.
Get to know yourself, so you are aware of your values and priorities and what constitutes well-being for yourself. What do you value? What is important to you? What are healthy ways of living for yourself?
Notice when your values and priorities are being broken and practice being assertive, and respectfully speak up for what you want and need. You learn to make choices that feel right, not because you feel like you have to, or fear of consequences, or to be a good person, but because if you don’t step up and stay true to your values, you know that you will be disappointed with yourself and not as happy with your life.
Sometimes, when you and another can’t agree, or are triggering each other, you could get really upset or hurt. When this happens, setting boundaries and staying connected is way more challenging. The goal is to learn to work on getting a “win-win” if this person is important to you. This is another skill that comes into play when setting boundaries. Sometimes you have to give a little and compromise some on a value to get a win-win that feels good. But, to be effective, the compromise must still uphold your values.
But when you absolutely can’t compromise because the boundary being challenged is a deal breaker, (i.e. abusing/hurting others, or spending money you don’t have), then sometimes relationships end.
What happens when students have values that are different from their teachers/parents?
We must learn to allow others, no matter their age, culture, race, or abilities to be seen, heard and valued especially when their point of view, beliefs and values are different from ours. We must ask students what they are feeling and thinking, and what they are needing at the moment. This does not take that long. We call this Quick Coaching; taking just a couple of minutes to ask a couple of very powerful questions. The goal is to allow your students to have a voice and express what is most important to them and then, bottom line ask, is there any way to get a win-win?
Through Empowerment Coaching and using the WAVE Process® Connection Blueprint, you will learn how to model all of this. Teachers and School Leaders will learn to do this with your students, peers and themselves. Students will learn to do this with adults, peers and themselves.
1https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7786197/
2https://connectepsychology.com/en/2017/05/16/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries/
3Setting Boundaries: By Rebecca Ray
4https://www.jhseonline.com/article/view/879
5https://lernercenter.syr.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Lee-1.pdf
7The Need to Say No: The Importance of Setting Boundaries in Love, Life; Jill Brooke
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